Just Writing...

25, de Marzo...

Back in December, my smart friend Claire sent me a sleu of quotes with instructions to pack them in my notebook along with a glue stick for my trip. She said that if I was ever stuck, lonely, or needing some encouraging words to glue one of these simple quotations into my journal and go from there.

Well. I´m stuck.

I snuck into the tiny pocket of my journal this afternoon and pulled out the below pre-cut quote and glued it onto the next blank page. Turned my iPod on shuffle and started to write....

¨We are spiritual beings learning to be human. Our only task in this world is to know who we are and carry that into the world in service. Answer the question: ¨To what have I been called?¨

(Oddly enough, the song my iPod landed on was, Human by The Killers.)

I have been quite unmotivated here in Esteli. Unmotivated in the school. Unmotivated in my Spanish lessons. Unmotivated to write or even capture my life here with my camera (my favorite pastime). When I go to write...I feel I am just writing...not telling any sort of story or painting any sort of picture for those that read this simple little blog.

But why?

Maybe it´s because I am close to the end...and I am looking to the future instead of focusing on the here and now. I am SO excited to hit Belize and re-visit Guatemala con mi novio in a few days. I hope to visit my class in Santa Maria and possibly roast marshmellows over lava on the top of that Volcano I never got around to hiking....

Or maybe it is my location?

I find myself often describing the lack of beauty that surrounds us here in Esteli. The loud cars, motorbikes, the hooting and hollering from EVERY male member in this dusty city when a woman walks by.

Or maybe it´s the project?

The school is so disorganized right now. Being a brand new school, the walls are still going up and the floor is under constuction. We have been conducting class at a farm close by. The space is huge, but this makes for a playroom type feel, rather than a classroom type atmosphere. The children pick up their tiny plastic tables and chairs and move themselves about the open space all day. We have been ending class early on occasion due to our not-quite-perfect setting and other things going on. I don´t feel close to the kids yet and I STILL don´t know many of their names. Unacceptable for 3 weeks on the project. Internally thinking daily: ¨Why am I here? What am I bringing to this project?¨ I know I am here to be a presence for these kids if nothing else, but when class hardly commences....it´s hard.

I feel kind of lost here....

¨Close your eyes, open your heart.¨ - The Killers, Human

29, de Marzo...

I need to focus. I have one week left here in Esteli and I am starting to freak out. I haven´t captured all the amazing murals with my camera yet. I have yet to find the perfect juice out of a bag. I have not learned all their names. I need to visit a ¨World-Class¨ Cigar Factory and get a $3 massage. I have not been dancing at the hot discotec!!

Yesterday I saw part of Esteli that had not been visible to me before. Living it.

I am sick...AGAIN. This time a bacterial infection of the throat or glands or something. Basically a heinous cough that keeps me up all night preventing me from sleeping, thus never letting my body recover. It´s an endless cycle. So, I forgoed my side-trip (every project has a side-trip included) to Miraflor, an incredible cloud forest, farm, waterfall, etc. There was lots of hiking involved and conisdering I can barely breathe as is....I didn´t think it such a fun time.

Teeta, mi casa-madre, felt sorry for me I guess (having no friends-Noah and Marian went to Managua to pick up Noah´s mother who is visiting) and asked me at breakfast if I would like to accompany her to check on her busses. She owns a very successful bus company...that consists of TWO busses. I said sure, and we set out to the bus terminal. There was exchanging of money and lots of rapid Spanish speak that I didn´t catch. Then we cruised over (listening to blaring Nicaraguan tunes) to the bus stops and waited in the car to make sure the busses were arriving on time. They did. She does this twice a day. That´s it. Great job! ¨Very flexeeeble mi job.¨

We then pulled up to what looked like a small factory. Teeta stuck her fingers out the window of the car, holding up 7, and a woman came straight to the car holding 7 tortillas. Teeta buys her tortillas here everyday. Now, off to the South Main Market. BEAUTIFUL array of fruits and vegetables. I had a HAY DAY here with my camera last week ;) We pulled up to a stand on the corner of the street, rolled down the window and were immediately handed two small bags of sliced mangos. She also comes here daily. The mangos are ridiculous here. They are just coming into season...

Next, the search for black shoes. Teeta wanted to visit Payless (yes, they have one here!). I tried on some black sandals just for fun. She says, ¨Perfect! Buy one, get one half off.¨And we head to the counter with two boxes of shoes. Ummm....wait, I don´t really want these shoes and I haven´t spent $20 on something in MONTHS. I am freaking out, but what am I to do. She is sold and next thing I know I am forking over $400 cordobas for a pair of patent leather black sandals with a kitten heel. (Mom, I got you the CUTEST shoes in Nicaragua :) EEEK! So much for those custom made cowboy boots I was hoping to splurge on...

Home for lunch and a siesta. I am really getting into the napping thing here. The heat will do it to you. Awake for no less than 10 minutes and we are off again. She is saying something about Javier, one of my 20-something year old roommates from Barcelona, and a BBQ. We park and walk into a HUGE party. Everybody is staring at us. What are we doing here??? Oh, there is Chebby (Javier´s nickname). We sit and he brings us two plates of random food. I am chatted up by a fellow named Phillip from Belgium. I find out it is Ana´s birthday party. I think Ana came over once with Chebby??

Teeta and I hang here for the afternoon. Someone busts out a guitar and the music was amazing. A Cuban man with a lovely deep voice. A Nicaraguan hippy. A sweet German girl´s voice. Everyone is so musically inclined! I need to learn how to play the guitar. It was a wonderful afternoon, full of music, interesting food, and new international friends. There was even a ¨Roast¨. The boy sang about (making fun of) each friend at the BBQ. He said Chebby was looking for someone to teach him English and Chebby glances at me and turns BRIGHT red. So cute...

We finally leave and pick up Nacatamales (traditional Nicaraguan meal) on the way home for dinner.

Eat Nacatamale -on my list of things to do before leaving Nicaragua.

Delish...but SO filling. Black coffee if offered to help you digest your Nacatamale. Wow. Nicaraguans only eat them on Saturday evenings or Sunday mornings. Muy grasa. Very fattening. Oh well....

Then to Cafe Luz for a little wi-fi and a cookie. I chat with the local dude who plays guitar in the Cafe most nights. Codine cough medicine and in bed early. I close my eyes and realize that I indeed did open my heart to Esteli today....feeling a bit better about the dusty city I am living in for the time being.